Lent

Thursday, August 07, 2008
lent
i was reading over my journal this morning . i like to do that before i shred them. you know, don't want to leave any evidence behind of just how crazy i am but this one entry struck me. of course it will be the re-vamped version that your eyes behold but it remains true to the time of where i was spiritually and mentally. two days after ash wednesday.
2/2/08 11:08pm
i haven't written in a few days. i can really feel it. the ash wednesday service was amazing. the prayers that were on the screen were exactly where i am at inside. is it just my imagination? you seem to be right on time these days. not that you haven't always been. i read those prayers and i wondered. sometimes you seem so big and so loving and at times i wouldn't know you exist. deaf and blind.
all day when i glanced at myself in the mirror i thought of what you have done. there was this mindless urge to brush away the ashes. to brush away where i come from. i so willingly put you on, invite you in, bare your name and then go about my day brushing you off. people would tell me, "you have something on your face." i would remember you and say "i know." but do i really know? i can't conceive of it. my understanding is limited. i pondered that all day. the entire time reflecting, forgetting, being reminded. brought to grace over and over and over again. thousands of times in a single day. millions of times in my life.
by the end of the day i didn't want to wash the ashes off. i wanted to wear them like a badge, to be marked, to be chosen. i stood in front of the mirror one final time with tears in my eyes. wondering once again where you are in all of this. this life i've been given. if you were ever truly in it. then i remember that i can't escape you. i wash my face, examine it in the mirror. looking closely i can see there is still the trace of ash in my skin. filling the cracks. that's how i want you to always be. filling in the cracks of me. inside and out. mending my brokeness.