Bitter Roots

Like bones

from a shallow grave

my past emerged from the closet earth,

a compound fracture breaking skin

Pray not you see

my unlovliness.

I slowed

I stalled

I toppled

into the beauty of

love

left me bruised and scraped

you

break my fall

and whisper

but "if"

bled into the marrow of

"when"

while doubt

in you

in me

in faith

in love and happiness...

spoke in place

of your heart

today

I pray a landslide

covers these old bones

help me cover~

bury them

so "we" and "when"

can

live

again.

Late Have I Loved You

Late have I loved you,

O Beauty ever ancient,

ever new,

late have I loved you!

You were within me,

but I was outside,

and it was there that I searched for you.

In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things that you created.

You were with me,

but I was not with you.

Created things kept me from you;

yet if they had not been in you,

they would not have been at all.

You called,

you shouted,

and you broke through my deafness.

You flashed,

you shone,

and you dispelled my blindness.

You breathed your fragrance on me;

I drew in breath and now I pant for you.

I have tasted you,

now I hunger and thirst for more.

You touched me,

and I burn for your peace.


~The Confessions of St. Augustine

The Giving Thieves

I dreamt

of trees

along the trail

who's leaves stole

the words

escaping our lips.

They held our breathless banter

poised. Waiting.

And from the bridge

of a would be rainy kiss

we stood

when the colors peaked

and you let me I confiscate

with my eyes a reflection

in yours

of leaves like words...

these silent

words between us,

descending

to the ground.

A blanket of color

nourishing the soil

from which they came.

Giving~

sustaining

the life

in the midst of

you and I.



And now I wake to the day late rain washing the sleep from my eyes and I ask it...

"Why did you take so long?"

To Kneel

I pondered a mountain

set before me

too weak to climb

my shriveled soul rocked

back and forth

I looked the other way

hoping

you would move it

You asked me to climb it instead

"Believe!

If

only

you

would!"

And so

I climb past

memories

Who but you can see

these scars so deep

within me?

Like gravity they

pull at my flesh

turning me inside

out

the closer I get

to you

taunting me to turn

and go back down

yet I climb

the next 5 feet

in front of

my heart screaming

in my chest

sweat like tears

my body sheds as my legs spin out

all the grief

and all that was lost

is left

on the face of this rock

that I climb still

and I wonder

if

at the top I will think the thought

that to "believe"

you really meant in me

and if you did

I pray

that with an empty heart

and empty hands

I will be

brought to

kneel

at your cross

and you will cradle

my chin in your hands

and wipe away

the shame

my only offering that falls from

my eyes

like diamonds to

you. And place them on your crown

and give me

again

something to give back

to

you....always to you.

The God I cannot see.

Stalker

Every time I go outside I see him. He haunts me wherever I go. Whether it be on a trail somewhere or flying over head while I am driving down the road, he appears in my field of vision. I've seen him so much lately I feel as though I am being stalked by him. He started showing up last summer, just randomly. I didn't think much of it, until one day I was coming home from Lawless, feeling lonelier than ever and one swooped up from the side of the road and took flight over the hood of my car. Immediately the tears stung in my eyes. I had looked them up before in my "silly superstitious book of symbolic meaning of things found in nature". They symbolize self-determination and self-reliance. They symbolize balance and an ability to progress and evolve. They have long thin legs that reflect that you don't need huge pillars to remain stable, but you have to be able to stand alone.

My plan for the summer was to take time to get to know myself and my bike, but I am realizing now that closer to the truth is this...I am likely going to be alone for the rest of my life, for several reasons. Making my self "unavailable" was just a way for me to fool myself into thinking I was choosing something, rather than just accepting the reality of what my future holds.

I started feeling pressure awhile back to be this cliche "over comer" with words and actions to inspire people and give them hope. I was desperate to not become this bitter middle aged single woman with a chronic diagnosis. I am still desperate to not become that, but the reality is there is not much I can do about the chronic diagnosis part, and I am learning the loneliness of self-reliance and standing on my own.

I was at the Fort last Sunday riding alone (Sorry Sean and Ryan!) along the lake after the armored wall. As I whipped through the trees, the scent of water and earth colliding with the wind filled my lungs. I looked to my right and there he was. He took flight and stayed low beside me for a few seconds. I understood why he was flying...Sometimes the weight of self-reliance and standing on your own is too much to bear, but the beauty of the flight carries a heaviness too. You have to look close to see it.