Stalker

Every time I go outside I see him. He haunts me wherever I go. Whether it be on a trail somewhere or flying over head while I am driving down the road, he appears in my field of vision. I've seen him so much lately I feel as though I am being stalked by him. He started showing up last summer, just randomly. I didn't think much of it, until one day I was coming home from Lawless, feeling lonelier than ever and one swooped up from the side of the road and took flight over the hood of my car. Immediately the tears stung in my eyes. I had looked them up before in my "silly superstitious book of symbolic meaning of things found in nature". They symbolize self-determination and self-reliance. They symbolize balance and an ability to progress and evolve. They have long thin legs that reflect that you don't need huge pillars to remain stable, but you have to be able to stand alone.

My plan for the summer was to take time to get to know myself and my bike, but I am realizing now that closer to the truth is this...I am likely going to be alone for the rest of my life, for several reasons. Making my self "unavailable" was just a way for me to fool myself into thinking I was choosing something, rather than just accepting the reality of what my future holds.

I started feeling pressure awhile back to be this cliche "over comer" with words and actions to inspire people and give them hope. I was desperate to not become this bitter middle aged single woman with a chronic diagnosis. I am still desperate to not become that, but the reality is there is not much I can do about the chronic diagnosis part, and I am learning the loneliness of self-reliance and standing on my own.

I was at the Fort last Sunday riding alone (Sorry Sean and Ryan!) along the lake after the armored wall. As I whipped through the trees, the scent of water and earth colliding with the wind filled my lungs. I looked to my right and there he was. He took flight and stayed low beside me for a few seconds. I understood why he was flying...Sometimes the weight of self-reliance and standing on your own is too much to bear, but the beauty of the flight carries a heaviness too. You have to look close to see it.