Charlotte Speaks

Dec 15, 2008
It’s been a few weeks since I have actually been on my bike and I am suffering greatly for it. I’ve been kind of depressed lately. Actually I’ve been very depressed. I haven’t been taking care of myself like I should. It started right after Iceman. It seems like after every race I’ve competed in so far I have this lull that sets in about three days later. The excitement of actually racing subsides by then and the critical thinking begins. Things like “You shouldn’t have been so gung ho and led the pack out, and then maybe you wouldn’t have started shaking like a dog shitting razor blades before you even got into the woods!” or “If you would have taken it easy instead of riding like a spaz a few months prior then maybe your ribs wouldn’t have been broken and you could have actually trained for the race!” Then there is the “You should have know that the chick in front of you was going to bite it in the first sand pit.” And as always there is the nagging voice that says “You really could have done better.” Ad infinitum. To top off these thoughts the opportunities to ride quickly decreased due to weather and daylight. Because of the financial crunch I slipped out of the gluten free diet and I am paying for it both mentally and physically. I haven’t been riding enough to be inspired to write anything and I haven’t even been journaling much at all. All of these variables lead to a very unhappy, uninspired, unenergetic, and pathetic me coupled with the anxiety of school starting January 12th. I’m terrified of the commitment. I’m terrified that God forbid I won’t be able to complete the program. I don’t want to waste the scholarships and grant money. Then the “what if’s “and the “what are you going to do’s” start rolling. It’s that same old self sabotage and visions of wheelchairs instead of sugar plums are dancing in my head this Holiday season. The fear takes over and I unwittingly stop taking care of myself which will ensure that my fears manifest. So slowly but surely it’s been a slow decline in energy and attitude. My joints are staring to hurt again and the sharp pains in my head have returned. I’m having difficulty with my gate in the morning but it seems to subside as the day progresses. The sensation of having a glove on my left hand is increasing. I’m having trouble grasping objects and I’ve been sleeping a lot. I have no motivation to do anything. Everything is out of balance.


So Saturday after the T.M.I. (www.mibike.org) Christmas Party I went to Bass. I had too. The lack of opportunity was turning into a lack of interest. I was approaching that point where I wouldn’t have road my bike if it was 70 degrees and sunny. I was going crazy with no physical activity. I could have been going to the gym this whole time but I’m a brat and if I can’t have what I want then I don’t want anything. More brilliance on my part. Anyway, I’m contemplating all the aforementioned things as I’m driving out there. I have this thought that if I can just get to the trail and get on my bike then somehow everything is going to be okay. That thought is immediately replaced with “That’s crazy! Riding a bike will solve nothing!” Can you see how fruity I get when I haven’t been riding? As I pull into the drive at Bass I utter “Help!” I’m famous for that one word prayer.

I step out of the car and breathe a sigh of relief. The crispness of the air and the crunch of the snow serve as an immediate pacifier to the woes in my head and as always nature begins to massage my soul. With great anticipation I get geared up. I brought my new single speed. I’m excited to ride it but the snow is deep and I feel like I am setting myself up for failure, (much like the school venture) but I have to do this.

I spy the snow mobile tracks and I vaguely remember Tom posting something about them being easier to ride so I push off into it. Nothing easy about it. I tell myself that it’s because I’m on my single speed, but the truth is that the snow is just too deep and the track isn’t packed down enough. I can’t turn back though. The wheel chair is not an option today. I follow the tracks for a bit. On the bike, falling off the bike, on the bike, falling off the bike till I finally reach the service road. I think “Arctic Oasis! Comfort and security at last! Immediately I notice how smooth it is. Not icy, just smooth and very hard packed. So I’m pedaling away and it feels good. The legs are pumping and I pick up speed. It’s reminiscent of summer. Fantasies of getting into the flow enter my mind and then whamo! My oasis is just a mirage. It’s funny this hard packed two track. Once you get into a groove on it, it’s damned near impossible to get out of it without falling. It’s like an invisible monster comes along and kicks your rear tire out from underneath you. I really don’t have the right tires for this type of riding. I’m about ready to pack it in because continuous falling on hard pack snow isn’t altogether enjoyable. I’m not ready to go home though. I’m enjoying being outside in spite of the riding conditions. I head back to the trail head and I notice the foot prints leading into the single-track and I decide to go for it. How much worse can it be than the snow mobile tracks or the service road right? What I discovered is for the most part, it was more rideable than my previous adventures. If you’ve ever ridden in the snow you are aware of how slow it is and how much more balance and handling it takes to stay upright. The tiny little “climbs” feel like the Double at Cannonsburg Ski Area. Well sort of. The Double is actually do-able in the summer! This is more challenging in a different way. There is more to think about that just pedaling. So I’m concentrating on the five feet in front of me. I’m pedaling; steering, balancing and breathing all while trying to keep the bike upright on this “climb” that is completely flat. It’s a delicate balance but things are going good and just as I’m wondering exactly how long I will be able to keep this up, I see a spider crawling on top of the snow as if it’s the middle of July. It’s a big black spider. It almost looked like it had fur on it. It struck me just how beautiful and out of place it looked on the snow but it was as though it was used to living in these conditions. It moved cautiously, discerning the magnitude of each step it traveled. I was able to take all this in without stopping because like the spider, I too was moving slowly, cautiously through the snow just trying to keep it upright. I’d never seen a spider in the snow before. I thought spiders died in the winter but after doing a little research I found out that there are some species that do “hibernate” and sometimes come out on mild winter days in search of food.

My ride wasn’t complete without an encounter with the boogey man of winter riding. It had to happen in the deepest can’t stay on the bike snowiest part of the trail. I was getting frustrated and I was about to let out an “AAAUGGGGHHHH!!!” when I sensed that I was being watched. I looked up and sure enough there was a blur of orange dead ahead of me. He was watching me and it appeared that he was trying not to laugh at me out loud. I realized how stupid this biking in the snow may appear to him. I smiled back in complete silence and continued on with one foot clipped in and the other pushing off the ground, like a limp sort of... I didn’t have time to stop and explain to him that although this looks like nonsense to the average Joe I was actually solving all my problems.

As I was approaching the car after my ride it occurred to me that going to school might be a bit like riding a bike in the winter. It will be slow moving and difficult to adjust and shortly after I start I’ll wonder why I’m doing this. After the first fall I’ll be sure it was all just a big mistake and perhaps a misunderstanding on my part as to what God really wants me to do. But I’ll continue because it’s better than being stuck “indoors”. Of the three types of snowy trails that I experienced that day, the one I thought would be the hardest actually was the most fruitful, and it didn’t kill me. May this be found true for school as well. Hopefully no invisible monsters will kick my wheels out from under me. There may even be the random Boogey Man watching that thinks what I’m doing doesn’t make sense. I’ve already encountered this (in regards to biking and school) because of my diagnosis. I won’t have time to tell him I’m solving my problems. I’ll be rushing to my next class. I pray I will remember this ride in the midst of the frustration and monotony. I want to recall the sheer satisfaction of arriving back at the trail head, knowing that although the ride wasn’t clean I did my best to face the challenge head on. (If I forget could someone please shout it out as I’m walking across the stage at graduation?) Conditions might suck but it is do-able and after all, it’s only conditions. I’m sure, as riding in the snow has proved; school will be worth every ounce of fear and frustration. It’s just going to require a little more balance, technique and focus on the five feet in front of me to keep things upright. The cool thing is this. Crashing in these conditions doesn't hurt as bad.

* * * *



As I was getting ready to wrap this writing up I decided to look up the spiritual significance of spiders in my “mumbo jumbo don’t really believe this crap” book about nature and spirituality.
There is a bunch of crazy stuff in this book and much of the information is borrowed from several different cultures and mythologies but it never fails to pertain to what is going on in my life. Again I am creeped out but not surprised at what I find. The following is a much condensed version of what the text says:

Keynote: Creativity and the weaving of fate
….Spider teaches you to maintain a balance—between past and future, physical and spiritual, male and female…The spider awakens creative sensibilities…it reminds us that the past always subtly influences the present and future…Spiders remind us that the world is woven around us. We are the keepers and the writers of our own destiny, weaving a web by our thoughts feelings and actions… Spiders are the guardians of ancient languages and alphabets…they teach the magic of writing…The spider is associated with death and rebirth…it is also a lunar symbol with ties to the waxing and waning of the moon. For those with this totem, this pattern is a reminder to maintain balance and polarity in all aspects of life. Spiders teach that through polarity and balance creativity is stimulated.*


I don’t know where the author gets this stuff but after my ride and reflecting on what I wrote much of it just seemed to fit. I was out of balance physically and spiritually. It’s odd sometimes how God chooses to reveal an answer to a simple “Help me” prayer. After that I did the only thing I know these days to do. I road my bike. I saw a spider. I felt like writing, which in turn got me reading about them. Who knew the answer was within a spider? I wouldn’t have thought to ask one.

I’m not going argue with myself anymore about fixing my problems through riding my bike. It works every time.


*Animal Speak by Ted Andrews