Brother

February 23, 2009

I was in English class today not able to concentrate. I thought about staying home, but it would have only made matters worse. Now I am so jacked up on caffeine I couldn't sleep if I wanted to; my brain is full from studying and my heart is breaking with grief. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off. I've tried suspending these feelings until the weekend without much success. I end up emoting at inappropriate times, but I'm fine when I'm by myself. My instructor called on me. I still couldn't tell you what the question was, but I responded. "I'm sorry Mary, I'm not really here. Could you repeat the question?" I'm usually like Horshack, "OOOOH! OOOOH! OOOOH!" with my arm stuck up in the air, chomping at the bit to contribute. It's very frustrating because she always calls on people that don't know the answers. I think my lack of response took her by suprise. I was praying she wouldn't ask, but she did. "How are you?" I was able to maintain an appearance of normalcy for a minute, but as the class started laughing I started crying, and I was forced to say it. "My friend died Saturday." Only a few tears escaped until the lady who sits behind me handed me a bunch of tissue, then the flood gates opened. The rest of the day at school was waves of grief and tears.

I came home to a voice mail of a lady telling me she was thinking of me. She said she was sorry she couldn't get to me sooner, but she's been kinda busy. She said she was sorry that my friend died. I started weeping all over again.



This is the lady on my voice mail. She's been busy making funeral arrangements for the father of her two boys that you see in the picture. That's Gabe and Jake with there Momma Marnie. Jake is one now, and Gabe just turned two on Friday. The pic is a bit old.




This is their Daddy. He is her husband. They love each other with a fierceness I have never seen before.



His Face book page is flooding with comments from lives he touched. Most of the people say things like "I'm a better person for having known you!" Josh was one of those people that as soon as you stepped into his presence you knew that you were loved and accepted. As is. No warranties. No refunds. That made my life better. Whether or not I am a better person having known him remains "too be seen."


February 25, 2009
8:00am


Some time has passed since I started writing this. I went to the funeral home last night. There was no where to park. The line for the viewing was leaking out the doors. He is being buried today. The funeral is at the same church they were married in. That was a beautiful day.


9:23pm

I just got back from the party that was thrown for you. Remember on our rides how we talked about this day? One of our many conversations was about funerals in general. I told you that no matter what, I didn't want anybody blowing sunshine up my ass at my funeral. I wanted them to be able to honor my life with the truth. You agreed. Well,they had an open mic and several people spoke. Some had funny little stories, and some poured their hearts out. Your little sister made me cry, the way she described how you loved her as only you could. She talked about how you told her she was beautiful and that you loved her no matter what, especially when she couldn't love herself. It wasn't so far of a stretch to imagine what it must be like to be your sister. Listening to her I realized you did the same for me. I didn't say anything because I can't talk much without crying. I didn't think it would be cool to blow snot rockets all over the mic at your funeral. Other people wanted to use that thing too ya know? They went on and on blowing sunshine up your butt. One thing is for sure; no one lied about you.

The girl who was sitting next to me in English on Monday during The Great Flood is in my Tuesday math class as well. I guess she told our instructor that I may not be in class because I had a family memember die. When I walked into Class late this week my instuctor told me he was sorry to hear about the loss of my relative. For a brief second I considered correcting him, but he wasn't wrong. I love you brother.