"How an innocent owl became bookends"

August 25,2008


I just read the most amazing vulnerable, self-revealing post. It inspired me to actually start typing the story of what happened yesterday. If it sounds crazy then so be it. I’m determined not to live out of that place of fear anymore. Let me tell you, it is terrifying. Makes sense doesn’t it. So here’s the story.

It starts back on my birthday August 3. Eric, Deb, Dave and myself ride the North Country Trail. It is amazing, awe-inspiring. But above all, the one thing that keeps echoing in my heart is the red dragonfly. Amazingly enough Dave and I were actually riding together at one point in the day. This guy has super human vision. He can see rusty nails and razor blades on singletrack at speeds greater than 20mph. And guess what he does? He stops and picks them up. Well on this particular occasion the rusty nail was actually a blue racer. He pulled over and combed the grass looking for it. I jumped off my bike and joined him. I’m always up for snake hunting. So we are both bent over and all the sudden I look to my left and there, hovering near us as if to say, “Look at me!!!” is the most beautiful red dragonfly I have never seen. I say never because it’s the truth. I’ve never seen a red one. He has never seen one either. It was like a ruby with wings. To most people this is just another ordinary bug story but I have to tell you. This bug struck me dumb.

Further along the trail Dave stops to take some pictures in a clearing. He leans his bike up on a tree and as he’s taking a picture of it I blurt out “It’s as pretty as that red dragonfly we just saw.” or something close and just as corny (if you haven’t guessed, his bike is red). I couldn’t help it. The way he looked at me when I said that, how he was standing with the sun on his back, holding his camera and smiling; that moment is like a snap shot in my head.

So fast-forward to last week Tuesday. I’m thinking about that day and the race and how I don’t have a single picture except what is remaining in my skull. I start thinking about finding something that represents a red dragonfly so I can hide it in the woods at Lawless so Dave can find it with his super human vision. Like a toy or a magnet or whatever. Just something red dragonfly! So I say out loud, like my craziness sometimes prompts me to do “Lord please show me the dragonfly.”(I just added please because it looks better in print. My relationship with God is much less formal. Although I rarely forget to say thank you. Revise: I say thank you for the stuff I think is cool). I was hoping that He would pull it off before I got to the trail. I didn’t have time to look myself. I still had a bunch of stuff that I had to do before I would allow myself to go riding. As if God has nothing better to do in this world than orchestrate the appearance of red dragonfly paraphernalia in the path of an extremely immature, plotting and scheming 39 year old woman.

I fulfill my duties and I head out on the rode. Already ramping up internally to hit the trail. No dragonfly to leave for Dave. Oh well, Maybe next time right? I’ll keep my eyes peeled during the week and maybe I’ll have one for next Tues. He wasn’t going to the trail anyway. He was supposed to do a rode ride instead but it rained. The dragonfly that I await with great anticipation never crosses my path.

Sunday I meet Dave at Yankee. He is tired and sore because the bad ass did a century on his new girlfriend (Trek Madone is her name) the day before. After the first lap he’s talking about a stiff neck. Being the solution girl that I am I offer to rub it for him. He says he doesn’t think it will help. “Okay then if you really don’t want me too…” At this point he concedes and I of course start to rub his neck and shoulders. I’m hurting him at first primarily because he is so tense and sore. Plus I am nervous. It’s been so long since I’ve really touched another human being I’ve almost forgotten how. I am happy to report that it is “Just like riding a bike”. Doug, this guy I ride with occasionally on Wednesday night’s rides up. I suppose I looked like a kid in a candy store because he gives me that grin. Mack is ready and it’s time to ride again. I reluctantly remove my hands from Double D’s just starting to loosen up body and we get on our bikes.

On the second lap Mack is having technical difficulties, which causes Dave to hang back a bit. We’re talking. He tells me about this owl that he saw on his first lap. He wants to show me. He’s trying to remember exactly where he was when he spotted it. He unclips as he is looking. When he thinks he has found the spot he tries to clip back in. But he’s not really focused on what he is doing. He’s looking up and around for the owl. Whack! Pedal on shin. This hurts. I of course ask if he is all right as his face turns as red as his bike. Why do people do that any way? It’s obvious the guy is in a measure of pain and I say, “Are you okay?”

No response. He’s bent over holding his leg, moving around trying to let go of the pain. He stands up and threatens to throw his bike into the woods. I tell him not to do that. Then he says the funniest thing I have heard come out of his mouth yet. “ I hope a hunter comes and poaches that owls ass and makes a mantel piece or book ends out of him!” I can no longer hold my composure. I am gut laughing at him now. I try to explain that although I don’t think it’s funny that he got hurt I do find the blame shifting hilarious. I mean we have no idea if the owl was even there right? So he’s bleeding a bit. It’s not a real ride unless you bleed. No major damage detected. I chuckle all the way back to the car.

Riding has come to an end once again. This is the part of a ride that I hate. It’s difficult to transition. Bikes are put away. I’ve cleaned up as much as I possibly can. Mack left. Dave is sitting in the passenger seat of his car with the door open. He looks up at me and says, “Thanks for the neck rub. It helped a lot”. I of course am not only a solution girl but an opportunist as well. Perhaps I can make up for laughing at him and get to touch him at the same time. I offer to rub his back some more. He doesn’t hesitate to let me this time. I’m relieved at this. I mean he’s kind of an ambiguous guy. I have no idea if he’s even interested in me in the least. All I know is that we ride together and he makes me laugh.

Imagine if you will, he’s standing up with the front of his body against the car. My kid in a candy store hands are all over him. My body slightly pressed up against his as I’m rubbing his neck and back. We are talking about intuition and de ja vue. How we both seem to have this kind of “stuff” happen to us. I’m relieved once again. I mean those kinds of things can freak me right out. It is almost an expected thing, it is so frequent any more, but I don't think I will ever “get used” to it. It can kind of make you question your sanity. Back to talking. We’re talking. I’m rubbing. All the while in the back of my mind I’m bummed that I didn’t find a dragonfly. I tell him how I have to be careful what I think about because it seems like whatever I ponder on too long sometimes gets drawn toward me. Crazy I know but listen to this. I here this buzz. I turn to look and perched on a branch just behind us is a red dragonfly. As if to say “Here I am! Look at me!” It’s not quite as mature as the one we saw on my birthday. The more mature they are the more vibrant the color but it is a lovely red dragonfly just the same. We stop and look at it for a moment. Being the ambiguous guy that he is I can’t tell if it struck him funny or not. But as for myself my eyes are beholding a miracle. An answer to a prayer uttered days ago. I don’t tell him that I asked God to show me the dragonfly, because I’m afraid he’ll think I’m nuts. I don’t tell him that I was willing to accept something counterfeit. A simple token of a beautiful memory. I don’t tell him that God produced the real thing. Right there while we were together.

It’s made me reflect on all the times in my life I’ve wanted something but I was never willing to hold out long enough. The need to gratify myself always won out and I would get what I thought I wanted only to find out it wasn’t real or remotely close to what my heart really desired. Counterfeit. Like my last relationship. Like all my relationships if I’m really honest with my self. My ex and I broke up almost a year ago. Three days after I received an unflattering MRI report he let me go. This is an example of one of those things I didn’t say thank you for. At the time anyway. Why is it that I can only see God in my rear view mirror? We were together for almost two years. After the first seven months of the relationship I knew in my gut that it wasn’t going to work. I spent the remainder of the time trying to rearrange my self internally, and him externally so I could accept something I didn’t really want. Makes sense Huh? I was miserable.

I sit here today grateful for the pain. It brought with it this idea that God wants the best for me. Real dragonflies. Nothing counterfeit. And I fall in love with Him all over again.

Oh, I almost forgot. I have this little book about the symbolism of nature and animals. Dragonflies symbolize the power of light. I looked up the owl just for kicks. There’s a paragraph in there about the significance of the owl’s neck and it’s flexibility. It says if your neck is sore then you are hindering your perceptions in a major way and neck message is beneficial for any one working with owl totems. I almost soiled my pants when I read that.

Dave? The owl says if you let me rub your neck then it will set you straight on a few skewed views! Maybe the dragonfly will join the party and shed some light!