Minus 1

I am fighting to keep alive



where you used to fit



like a puzzle



piece



of my heart



that slipped out



of the box



on the closet floor



of a house that was sold



for much less it's worth



to someone who



defaulted on a loan



and auctioned off



spied while cleaning



it meant nothing



next to the waded gum



and cotton swabs



in the waste basket bottom



shame



you will wind up in the dump



apart from the box



you belong in....Nobody knows you are gone.



The puzzle with the missing piece



sits on a strangers shelf.



They are none the wiser.

Unconditional

I was talking to someone not to long ago about how messed up I am. That's not to say that there haven't been improvements. Much has changed with me, but there are still grosser emotional handicaps I guess you could call them, that no matter how hard I try to change them, they still remain. This person told me that much of my neurotic crap would just melt away if I was smothered in unconditional love. I thought they might be on to something. After a phone conversation with this same person today, I was meditating on this concept of unconditional love when I realized that God is the only one who could possibly be capable of loving me unconditionally, and I am good with that. I really am, but sometimes...I just want God to have skin.

Reigning On Me

I awoke to rain dancing on my tent

as the thunder rolled it's tongue in my ear

the damp air wrapped it's arms around me

begging me to breath deep the

earthy musk that filled my lungs

as I stretched out before you

in my mind.

I brushed the sleep from my eyes

and I knew...you were with me

Always with me

in this restless heart.

Mistakes

I tripped

on an old pair of shoes today.

laying like the past

in the hallway of my future.

the dirt of their

soles threatening to smudge

the floor that was just wiped clean

and I pondered

how they got there.

I remember the last time I wore them.

They pinched and blistered. They always did.

As if they weren't mine at all

but those of one

with a heart much

smaller.

I thought I had tossed them away

Yet here they are.

I think them ugly now.

The shoes of one not loved

but if I toss them

they will likely appear again

unexpectedly

to trip me in the dark

brightness of my future.

So I will clean them up

and hide them away in a corner

of my heart

Until God makes them useful

again.

Experience: The Great Professor

I tell her to always wear a helmet. No matter what.

"Nothing bad will happen Mom!"


Last night Experience spoke to her louder than a mothers nagging tongue.

"I think from now on I need to wear my helmet."

Instead of saying "I told you so!" I let Experience do what it does. It teaches in perfect timing. It tills the soil of our hearts to bring us to a point where our eyes and ears are churned up enough to receive the seed it plants. Hopefully this one will grow for her.


I gave her a hug and said "Lets take pictures!" I laughed as I was clicking away. She laughed too, but only because my laughter is contagious. "Mom! I just got hit by a car, and your laughing!" I looked at these pictures and what I saw was a broken neck, broken legs and a child lying paralyzed in a hospital room. I saw me standing over her casket threatening to kill her a second time by drowning her in my tears. How could I not laugh with joy at the reality right in front of me.

"Sometimes" I said, "when you realize how alive you are, you have to laugh at death." She laughed even harder.



These skinned up knees remind me how important it is to take a risk and live from the heart. Life is short.

Life....It Still Goes On.

I want you to know that although this day marks 27 years since you have passed, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. There has been much that has happened since I last saw you. It would take me 27 years to tell you everything. I hope it's true what they say about passing on. You know, that you guys can see us here. But if I could pick and choose what you could see, I would only want you to see the good stuff I guess. Stuff like I am riding my bike again and even racing. I would want you to see that I think of you every time I ride, and on particularly bad days I imagine that you are with me, and you help me figure things out. There have been times when I needed you to be there like only a brother could be for his little sister. I wonder if you know how much I miss you.

Sometimes I catch glimpses of you in my son. He is funny and easy going like you, and he has that same mop of unruly hair atop his head. He even walks like you.

Danny contacted me on FaceBook. I think about all your friends this time of year. I had terrible crushes on your friends. When you would have them sleep over I would sneak downstairs and kiss their faces. I felt compelled to try and look all of them up and see how they turned out, but I don't have the time. I have kids of my own and I am in school full time.

Be warned that if I get my homework done today I may come and visit your grave. Every time I go there, this vision of myself flashes in my mind of me throwing myself on the ground and just sobbing until the tears penetrate the six feet of dirt that covers you. Instead I just stand there and look at your picture on your headstone, and a vague awareness that you aren't even there prevents me from doing so. Then I glance at Mom and Matt's headstones, and my heart thumps hollow in my chest. If you see them could you tell them I hope someday we can work things out?

I have to run now. I have spin class this morning,homework, and something to look forward to for tomorrow to help me get through this day. It still feels like it was just yesterday that you died. But it's been 27 years. And life...It still goes on.

I love you

Doomed

So I asked a few people about what category to race this past Sunday at the Yankee TT. Most said Sport Women on my geared bike. But I don't want to ride my geared bike. Like, not even a little. Ever. I want to ride my SS even if it means losing. People couldn’t understand why I would want to ride in a race I surely wouldn't win. It is a little like entering into a doomed relationship. "Why would you do that to yourself?” Eric said. "Ride your geared bike and kick ass in Women Sport!"

But I talked to one who understood my heart. He’s the one I listened to. He couldn’t have been more right if he were God himself. "SS Beginner/Sport," he said.

So I did.

I have found true love.
I’d be stupid to go back now. Thanks Puppy.

To answer the question as to why I have set myself up for failure when I could excell in another class? I am learning it isn't always about winning, although I love that taste as well. It's about how I am going to ride from beginning to end, and because...


I am a Bad Ass ;)